I know that nothing I did contributed to Annalee's death. I know that none of this is my fault. Both of us were completely healthy, until she wasn't.
Knowing that doesn't stop those thoughts from creeping in. As my mind tries to make sense of why this happened, the what ifs tend to takeover.
Is it because I drank coffee?
Is it because I sometimes slept on my right side?
Is it because I reached up too high to get something from the cupboard?
Was it because I ate blizzards? lunch meat?
It doesn't matter how nonsensical the thought, it still requires consideration. Then, I brush it away, knowing better, until the next day when it starts all over again.
I wrote this over a week ago and I was still too scared to post it. What if it turned out it WAS something that I did?! Well, today we had our follow up doctor's appointment and she confirmed that it wasn't. The preliminary autopsy results didn't show anything. It wasn't a genetic issue, the placenta looked good, my blood work was normal and all of her organs were the right size for her age. We have to wait until closer to Christmas for the final results, but as of right now, it still looks like it was a fluke. There are pros and cons to finding out what caused it and to never knowing. No answer is a good answer, but it's reassuring to know that it wasn't something that could've been prevented.
The doctor said she was perfect. We already knew that, but now it's a medical fact :)