Tuesday, 21 February 2017


A few weeks ago (shortly after this post), I went to see a BodyTalk specialist for a little energy healing. I was surprised to hear her say that she was pulling out a lot of guilt. I thought that was something I'd moved past, but when I think about it now, I guess it's not that shocking. I imagine I'll always feel a certain sense of responsibility when it comes to what happened to Annalee. No matter how much I tell myself that there was nothing I could've done, it's hard to shake the what ifs.

More so than the guilt I feel about Annalee, is the guilt I feel about Elliot's pregnancy. It really bothers me that I was so stressed out for the whole thing. Of course there were many moments of pure joy, but even now, I look back at the experience with so much dread and anxiety.

I saw this quote the other day and it made me wish that I had faced his pregnancy with this sort of attitude.

After my appointment, the woman asked me what Elliot was like. When I told her that he was a very laid back baby, she was surprised. Babies can feel that stress in the womb and oftentimes become anxious. Then she said this:

'Annalee must've just wrapped herself around him and protected him from all of that worry. What a beautiful gift.'

That image brings me so much comfort. Our girl little girl was protecting her brother in bigger ways than I could've imagined.

Tuesday, 17 January 2017

Angry Grief

It's back from the depths.

I figured it was probably just the holidays, but then Christmas came and went, then New Year's came and went and here I am, still being a total bag. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I feel frustrated and angry everyday- not even just at night anymore, but from the moment I wake up, until I fall asleep.

The hardest part about it is that I'm not mad at someone or something in particular. I just have all of this pent up anger and nowhere for it to go. I feel entirely unlike myself.

Friday, 6 January 2017

A quote

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself -
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

-Gwen Flowers