The 20th will never be the same. It's a day I equally dread and celebrate. I know as time goes on I'll stop watching the calendar, but right now I just watch and wait.
Eric and I knew her one month birthday was going to be devastating. I still get weekly e mails from Baby Centre with exciting subjects marking every milestone. I didn't want to read 'Your Baby at One Month!,' but I couldn't help myself. She'd be smiling and cooing. She would be discovering her hands and feet. All we could do is imagine what her smile would look like.
We spent the entire morning in bed crying. We hadn't done that in a long time. Sometimes it just feels so good to let yourself be sad- to not keep busy or distracted, but to really let go. Afterwards, we went for a hike to a spot Eric took me a few months after we started dating.
Her two month birthday would've been today. This time I can't bring myself to read what she would be doing. I deleted the e mail as soon as I saw it. Some of Eric's coworkers gave us a spa gift certificate, so we're going to go for massages and dinner afterwards.
In a way, I appreciate that we have this day. A day to do whatever necessary to heal and to remember to be gentle with ourselves.