An unexpected side effect of my grief has been a sometimes overwhelming sense of anxiety. I've suffered from mild cases of it in the past, but nothing like this.
It started to manifest early on as hypochondria. I was convinced that because there were no obvious reasons for Annalee's passing, it had to be something wrong with me or Eric. It was a sign that one of us was unhealthy and wouldn't be able to raise our baby. Every little mark, ache and hormonal ailment spelled some sort of serious health issue. Only after multiple healthy lab tests did that fear began to wain.
Crowds also became an issue. I've never been a big fan, but the difference now is that it mostly applies to crowds who know what we've been through. Even a large gathering of friends can sometimes feel panic inducing. I'm going back to work tomorrow and this is my biggest hesitancy. I love my job and I work with amazing people, but I'm nervous to venture past my floor. The funny thing is that I've seen plenty of my coworkers and they've all be so gracious. I know that I'm making of a big deal out of nothing, but that doesn't stop the 2am heart pounding night sweats.
Like pretty much everything else- it's a band aid that I just have to rip off.