Capture You Grief-Day 2. Intention.

My intention is to be gentle with myself. 

I healed physically so quickly after Annalee that I sometimes forget that I gave birth only 14 weeks ago. There's a frustration that comes with not being able to jump back into a normal workout routine immediately after something so traumatic. I wanted so badly to have some normalcy and some form of release, that it was tough to not get back to spin three weeks later. That a hike that would normally be easy, was challenging. That your body is so different now than it was before- that even if you've lost the baby weight, things are wider and weirder than before.

I find I have to remind myself to be kind to every aspect of my being- body, mind and heart. It's ok to be busy and distracted, but when I've done too much, accept the fact that spending an entire day on the couch binge-watching Netflix might just be the right thing to do. It's ok that some days I don't want to cry, but when I need to, give myself permission to really let it all out. Everything I feel is ok. There is no wrong way to get through this. 

Most importantly, to remember to be grateful for my body. This ol' thing carried and nourished a beautiful baby for almost 39 weeks and then did everything it should've had I brought that baby home. 

Our bodies are amazing things and they deserve kindness.

Capture You Grief- Day 1. Sunrise.

Eric is not a morning person. I'm kind of a 9am morning person. Neither of us are 'up to see the sunrise' people. However, when I was deciding what photo to post, I realized that this one was taken just after sunrise on June 21st.

Annalee was born at 10:31pm and we were bound and determined to spend every single second with her. For the first few hours, we were still so high on adrenaline (and me on morphine) that it was no problem, but once that wore off, we were exhausted in every possible way. I really struggled with whether or not we should sleep. I didn't want to waste any of the precious time we had with her, but labor and heartbreak are tiring (to say the least) and we couldn't stay up any longer. So with Eric on one side and Annalee on the other, we slept.

Our incredible night nurse spent that time taking hundreds of photos of Annalee for us. She had props and the whole nine yards. She did all of this knowing that there was a professional photographer coming in the morning. We are forever indebted to her. Because of her, we've never once felt like we should've taken more photos.

The day we entered the hospital was rainy and gloomy. The day we left was sunny and beautiful and I imagine the sunrise was probably stunning.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month/Capture Your Grief

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month- something I never even knew existed until three months ago. I saw a neat thing on Instagram called Capture Your Grief where those who have lost a child reflect on 31 different topics each day of the month. I wasn't sure if I wanted to participate because there are some days where I don't want to grieve- I just want to make it through the day, but October is going to be a crazy month for us. I think it'll be good for me to spend some time each day reflecting on our journey and perhaps dealing with some unhealed wounds.

If you know of anyone else who has lost a baby (and based on our experience, it seems like everyone knows someone), there are a couple of good things happening in Calgary this month. On October 15th, the Calgary tower will be lit up in blue and pink to honor all of those babies lost. On October 18th, there's a Healing the Mother's Heart yoga workshop at the beautiful Junction 9 Yoga Studio.

Also, if you do know someone who has been through this- no matter how long ago- this month is a good reason to check in with them and send them some extra love :)

3 Months

We celebrated Annalee's 3 month birthday yesterday. It was a beautiful day for a picnic out at Forget-Me-Not Pond in Kananaskis. As expected, the day was full of sadness, but we managed to have a lot of laughs too. We could feel Annalee around us all day- the leaves blowing like confetti and the little grasshopper that sat on Eric's knee and watched us have lunch. We know you're with us, sweet girl.

There are days when it feels like things might be getting easier, but then the heartbreak returns and the grief hits like a ton of bricks. Even though we have more good days than bad, we're always on the brink of tears. This is not at all what our lives were supposed to be like and it's hard not to be angry about that. I'm sure there are lessons to be learned in all of this, but I would've rather gone a lifetime without knowing them if it meant having our Annalee here.

Keep on Living...

Eric's birthday was less than two weeks after Annalee was born and for the first time in a long time we went out and celebrated with friends (he's usually not much of a birthday guy). Shortly after that, we went out for Stampede, we went for drinks with friends, we went to different events around the city. I knew we couldn't stay cooped up at home, but every so often I'd feel really weird about the fact that we were out doing normal things. I'd run into people we know and wonder if they thought that maybe we weren't sad enough. When I told this to a close friend of mine she shared something that someone had told her:

'Just keep living until you feel alive again.'

So that's what we do. I feel like we've done more this summer than ever. We've made more plans and crossed things off our bucket list. I'm sure it's partly for distraction's sake, but it also feels like we're honoring Annalee by living our lives more fully. I like to think that these are the things we would've done if she were here, so we're doing them with her in our hearts.

A Quote

My Mom sends us cards every once in a while with beautiful quotes- nothing else- just a little note to keep us going. It's the best.

Funny Girl

Even though we'll never know what Annalee would've been like, we know for certain that she was funny. When she was in my belly, Eric would come home and they would have play time. Eric would tap a spot, she'd kick back and we would laugh. This would go on almost all evening. It was awesome.

Even though she's not physically with us, I know she's around and she's still making me laugh. Whenever things get overwhelming, something funny will happen. The first time I went to my chiropractor after she was born, I had to tell him what happened and started to cry. When I looked up from sobbing, I noticed that his fly was undone. I didn't say anything (because awkward!), but I couldn't help but laugh to myself.
The first time I went back to yoga, we were outside on a rooftop and it was so serene and beautiful. The teacher asked us to focus on our hearts. Mine being so incredibly broken, tears were starting to fall when all of a sudden a train went by, screeching its brakes and breaking the mood entirely. Again, I had to laugh.

These silly little things happen all the time and I love it. I know it's her way of helping her mama heal.