Grief: 8 Months In

Grief is so confusing.

The social worker gave us a pamphlet about the stages of grief and I remember looking at it and thinking 'ok, just get through denial and then you can deal with guilt (and so on a so forth).'

Yeah, no.

Grief is not linear. You don't deal with it one stage at a time. We've gone from guilt to anger to disbelief, back to anger, to acceptance, back to guilt and around and around again. We've jumped ahead stages, taken ten steps back and skipped some of them entirely.

There are weeks now- instead of days- where we feel good. Those are the times I avoid writing here. Those are the times where I just don't want to deal with it. Sometimes it's easier to just keep my head down knowing full well that it's only a matter of time before the sadness hits. When it does, it usually lasts a few days. There are a lot of breakdowns before bed and a few at work.

As far as progress goes, I'd say I no longer feel anger. That one seemed to be short lived. However, I still go back and forth between the rest of them fairly often.

I think trying to rationalize grief or put some sort of process behind it is a bit pointless, if not counterproductive. It's a tricky bastard. The more you try to predict it, the faster it changes.  In our experience, you just feel what you feel and deal with it as it comes.

A Sibling for Annalee

We're so excited to be expecting again!

After having Annalee, before we even left the hospital, Eric and I both had to know how long we'd have to wait before trying for another baby. It was like we were overflowing with love and without Annalee, we needed somewhere to direct it. My doctor told us to give ourselves some time to heal emotionally (and me physically), but there was no reason we couldn't start trying again right away.

Neither one of us was willing to wait until we were emotionally healed- I'm not sure if that will ever happen. Because it took us a while to get pregnant with Annalee, we figured we'd start trying a few months later and it happened almost immediately! I couldn't believe it!

I remember sitting in Annalee's room and telling her that one day we'd like to have a brother or sister for her. It didn't mean we were moving on or replacing her- she had just brought us so much joy, that we couldn't fathom a life without a child. I asked her to help us out and give us her blessing when the time was right. There was a real element of guilt for me when I thought about having another baby. I wanted to make sure we took the time to honor Annalee, but when I got pregnant again so quickly, I knew that she was happy for us.

Our little girl and this little baby have helped us heal in ways I never thought possible.

What Happened?

We received Annalee's final autopsy results in December and they confirmed what we already suspected- her death was unpreventable, but they don't know what happened. There really couldn't have been a good answer, but I think this is the answer we were hoping for. It confirms that there's nothing we could've done and it eases a bit of worry for future pregnancies; At the same time it makes it that much more confusing and unfair. I'd like to think that at some point we'll be at peace with the results, but I still find myself asking why? Why us? Why our healthy baby who we loved and wanted so much?

I'm not sure I'll ever stop trying to figure out what happened- however pointless it may be.

A New Year

In the early days of losing Annalee, all I wanted was for this year to be over- to just make it to the end. This was the worst year of our lives.

It's funny how time gives you perspective. Now, on the last day of 2015, I'm a bit sad to see the year end. In some ways, it was the best year of our lives. Close friends got married, we traveled, we had our first baby. Among the excruciating heartbreak and sadness, there was so much joy. It feels good to be in a place where we can focus on the positives.

We're not the same people we were a year ago. We're broken, but stronger and filled with more love than ever before.

Happy New Year ♥

6 Months

Six months was really tough- like, month one kinda tough. I'm not sure if it was because it was so close to Christmas or if the idea of half a year going by already was just too overwhelming. I also think 6 months is such a great age for babies. They're doing so much by then- it's hard to think about all of the milestones we're missing with Annalee.

Eric and I had a little mini Christmas for her. Friends and family got her presents- a grizzly bear adopted in her name, a book, a star named after her. I think the thing that makes us happiest is that people still think of Annalee. They remember her birthdays, they think of her when they hear music and they keep her in their hearts. Those are the things that keep our little girl's spirit alive and that's all we can ever ask for.

5 Months

We took a little extra care of ourselves on the 20th. We went for a nice lunch and a couples massage- which is quickly becoming a favorite thing. After that we went and picked out a few Christmas ornaments for Annalee.

We picked up a fluffy sheep for the year she was born and this robin. After we lost Annalee, a big robin kept appearing in our yard. If I was in the kitchen, it would sit on the back fence so I could see her; if I was on the front porch, she'd sit on the railing and keep me company. When Eric and I went to buy a bench for the backyard for Annalee, we were halfheartedly looking at birdbaths when a great big robin landed in one and started bathing itself. I had never seen a bird bathe before and both of us were killing ourselves laughing. We both knew it was our baby making her presence known.

Back to Work

I've been back at work for a month now and it has been a really nice distraction. The first few weeks were hard. Really hard. There was a lot of crying in the bathroom and going home mid-panic attack, but things have started to normalize now. It feels good to focus on something else for hours at a time each day. That's not to say that I don't think of Annalee all the time, but there's a little less dwelling on the heartbreak- at least until I crawl into bed and my mind quiets for a moment and then goes immediately back to being sad and confused and entirely overwhelmed.

Eric and my experiences going back to work were very different. Eric went back three weeks after we lost Annalee, so naturally, it was still very front of mind for him and his colleagues. He works in a smaller office than I do which I think contributed to the difference as well. People came into his office and wanted to talk to him about Annalee and what happened. He would come home and tell me how much he got to talk about her, so when I went back, I expected the same thing. There was a lot less of that for me. Aside from my close friends, one person has asked about Annalee. This is not to say that people haven't been amazing. I've been welcomed back with such open arms and everyone has been so kind. It just wasn't what I was expecting (I'm starting to sense a theme here).

In the same breath, as much as I wanted people to acknowledge her photo in my office and talk to me about her, I also actively avoided situations where I might have to talk about our experience. I've skipped social events and large meetings; there may have been an instance where I faked being on the phone just to get out of talking about anything.

It would seem that even five months out, I have no idea what I want. Things that might help us one day, seem like a burden the next.