Ugh

I feel like jumping out of my skin. During the day, when I'm busy, I feel totally fine, but the minute it gets quiet or my head hits the pillow, I'm overcome with heartache. Crying doesn't even feel like enough sometimes. My legs shake like they're ready to run a marathon and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm truly happy during the day, but the night brings on all of the feels and it's impossible to put the sensation into words.

Right now, I'm in the part of the grief cycle where things don't feel like they're getting any better. Maybe it's the month, maybe it's exhaustion or maybe this is just how grief works- the sneaky little bastard.

Christmas Year 2

Christmas this year certainly feels twice as hard as last year. I feel like two different people:

Annalee's mom- empty, heartbroken and hurting

Elliot's mom- excited, full of joy and hope.

Last year we could just be sad. Our hearts were still raw. This year, we're happy and grateful for our friends and family and to have a healthy and happy son who makes us laugh constantly, but there's still a hole. A hole where an 18 month old daughter should be- waiting for Santa, opening presents and eating Christmas dinner.

I feel confused. I know Annalee is carried in so many hearts, but people have understandably moved on- or maybe not moved on, but the focus is on Elliot now, as it should be, but I'm still stuck. Stuck between being a mom of two, but only being able to witness one experience the joy of Christmas.

I just don't know how to feel this year and I suppose that's ok. We've got plenty of Christmases ahead of us to try and figure it out.

To the moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends smiling through the heartache this year, you're not alone. May you find a bit of joy during the holidays all the same.