11:11

A funny thing has been happening for the past 18 months or so.

It all started when I was pregnant with Elliot. For 3 days in a row, I caught the clock at 11:11 and thought it was a funny coincidence. Then it happened again, sometimes it would happen both morning and night and it has continued to happen every since.

I did a little reading on the significance of seeing the clock at this time and found some pretty comforting theories. Here are a few:

-The time 11:11, is one of the most commonly seen signs. Seeing this time indicates you are on the right path and heading in the right direction for your personal fulfillment.
Doreen Virtue, a world famous therapist, psychic medium and spiritualist, stated that seeing this meant your spiritual powers were growing. Source

-seeing 11:11 can be viewed as a glitch in the matrix, it is a very real way for the spirit world to communicate with us. source

-According to Numerology, the number 11 is the link between the mortal and the immortal; which explains the idea that when the clock strikes 11:11, a window to heaven opens up to grant wishes. source

During my pregnancy, I took it as a sign from Annalee that everything was going to be ok. To this day, I still catch the clock several times a week, even as I was updating this space this morning! Now, I use that time to check in with her- to say a quick hello and let her know how much I love and miss her. It's a beautiful little reminder that she's always with us.

Guilt

A few weeks ago (shortly after this post), I went to see a BodyTalk specialist for a little energy healing. I was surprised to hear her say that she was pulling out a lot of guilt. I thought that was something I'd moved past, but when I think about it now, I guess it's not that shocking. I imagine I'll always feel a certain sense of responsibility when it comes to what happened to Annalee. No matter how much I tell myself that there was nothing I could've done, it's hard to shake the what ifs.

More so than the guilt I feel about Annalee, is the guilt I feel about Elliot's pregnancy. It really bothers me that I was so stressed out for the whole thing. Of course there were many moments of pure joy, but even now, I look back at the experience with so much dread and anxiety.

I saw this quote the other day and it made me wish that I had faced his pregnancy with this sort of attitude.

After my appointment, the woman asked me what Elliot was like. When I told her that he was a very laid back baby, she was surprised. Babies can feel that stress in the womb and oftentimes become anxious. Then she said this:

'Annalee must've just wrapped herself around him and protected him from all of that worry. What a beautiful gift.'

That image brings me so much comfort. Our girl little girl was protecting her brother in bigger ways than I could've imagined.

A quote

Angry Grief

It's back from the depths.

I figured it was probably just the holidays, but then Christmas came and went, then New Year's came and went and here I am, still being a total bag. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I feel frustrated and angry everyday- not even just at night anymore, but from the moment I wake up, until I fall asleep.

The hardest part about it is that I'm not mad at someone or something in particular. I just have all of this pent up anger and nowhere for it to go. I feel entirely unlike myself.

A quote

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself -
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

-Gwen Flowers

Ugh

I feel like jumping out of my skin. During the day, when I'm busy, I feel totally fine, but the minute it gets quiet or my head hits the pillow, I'm overcome with heartache. Crying doesn't even feel like enough sometimes. My legs shake like they're ready to run a marathon and I just want to scream at the top of my lungs. I'm truly happy during the day, but the night brings on all of the feels and it's impossible to put the sensation into words.

Right now, I'm in the part of the grief cycle where things don't feel like they're getting any better. Maybe it's the month, maybe it's exhaustion or maybe this is just how grief works- the sneaky little bastard.

Christmas Year 2

Christmas this year certainly feels twice as hard as last year. I feel like two different people:

Annalee's mom- empty, heartbroken and hurting

Elliot's mom- excited, full of joy and hope.

Last year we could just be sad. Our hearts were still raw. This year, we're happy and grateful for our friends and family and to have a healthy and happy son who makes us laugh constantly, but there's still a hole. A hole where an 18 month old daughter should be- waiting for Santa, opening presents and eating Christmas dinner.

I feel confused. I know Annalee is carried in so many hearts, but people have understandably moved on- or maybe not moved on, but the focus is on Elliot now, as it should be, but I'm still stuck. Stuck between being a mom of two, but only being able to witness one experience the joy of Christmas.

I just don't know how to feel this year and I suppose that's ok. We've got plenty of Christmases ahead of us to try and figure it out.

To the moms, dads, grandparents, aunts, uncles and friends smiling through the heartache this year, you're not alone. May you find a bit of joy during the holidays all the same.